Horoscopes: Drunk and Lonely

Aries (March 21 – April 19): I see chocolate in your future. Preface those crunch bars with some crunches! Hit up the gym in preparation.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A big due date approaches. Step up the pace in the home stretch to beat your high score. Beef up your defense to score a three pointer in the final inning!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Get cracking on those resolutions. Quit your bad habits and start some good ones. Subtle nail polish discourages nail biting. Sticking to a routine cuts down on procrastination.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Your SO is thinking about dumping you. Break up with them first so you don’t feel like a loser. (See D&D column)

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Your relationship is perfect. Go you! Try making out in hallways. Try the ModCon Lab to mix things up a bit! Your hallmates will appreciate it.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your love life is about to go up in flames. Will it be the heat of passion or the destructive blaze of the relationship from hell? Only time will tell. And Time just happens to be a closed-mouth strumpet who isn’t going to tell you anything.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): I see flowers in your future…aaand I see dead flowers slightly further. Don’t even bother with that bullshit plant food. Throw them out before they start attracting flies.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Someone close to you is harboring a secret crush. Friendzone aggressively. Squash their dreams by repeatedly referring to them as your “BFF”.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Don’t even think about asking out that person. I know you want to. Just don’t. It will end so badly that your first thought upon the invention of time travel will be to go back in time and WRITE THIS HOROSCOPE.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Your SO is the best. They would probably appreciate a nice potted plant for Valentine’s Day.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Your crush will surprise you before class with a big revelation. Unfortunately, it will be that they are a terrible kisser. Kindly inform them that they should cut down on the tongue action and avoid them forever after.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Your ex will be showing off their new flame this month. Ignore them. They’re feeling insecure because of your hot new look!