Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21-April 19): You’re close! Run fast, get through finals and sleep.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You could use some pizzaz this month. A moustache or bow tie would suit you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Don’t despair, there’s always tomorrow. The moon guides your progress this month.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your friends are there to help you dig for the treasure. Don’t slack off. This booty be worth it!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Rely on your community for your needs. Answer a helpme and your generosity will be rewarded.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Squares are your shape. Dress to impress. Checkerboard…chevron…plaid.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t sell yourself – Career Fair is over. You’re quality. Listen to Adele and Gaga and rock out.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You’re breaking the glass ceiling. Get those cuts checked out.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’re on top this month, but don’t forget to chop wood and carry water.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Oxygen is in the air. Take a deep breath. You need that shit to LIVE.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Teammates will try your patience this week. Bring snacks to ease the tension. No donuts.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Ignore rumors. Haters gonna hate. Slap your hat on backwards and rock those jeggings.