Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21-April 19): The Dining Hall is a figment of your imagination.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Beware of hats.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Do it. You’ll probably regret it later. Do it anyway.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Feel the energy in the air around you. Breathe those auras deep.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): It is once again time to question your choice of residency.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You know who else was a Virgo? Ivan the Terrible.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The planets don’t want to be bothered right now.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The night of the new moon is dark. Don’t trip.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When Uranus is involved, you can never quite plan in advance.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are a deterministic path. Nothing you do matters.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Today is a 10, straight up. Live it like you mean it.