I’m terribly unfortunate in the realm of dating. I’m irrevocably in love with my suitemate, but I don’t think he has any idea. He’s also dating a Wellesley chick, and I’m kind of in love with her too. What should I do?
-Confused in Canada
You should devise an elaborate scheme where you have one of your friends convince your suitemate that he is gay. He will break up with the Wellesley chick, who will find solace in your loving arms. Afterwards, your suitemate will realize that he is not in fact gay, feel dejected and forever alone, and also come seek sweet, sticky love in your room. You should also purchase a strap-on.
No, but really: this isn’t a serious question, is it? People don’t actually live in Canada, do they?
Honorable Dr. Liu:
So say that hypothetically, I was to be making out with a hypothetical boyfriend. Fun, I know. Now say that my non-hypothetical roommate walks in. Clearly, we disentangle our tongues, but besides that what’s the protocol? Avoid eye contact at all cost? “Hey… sorry about that”?
Trying Not To Be A Bad Roommate
Dear Bad Roommate,
Well, it depends on where you’re located at the time of perpetration. If you’re on the bed, you should probably just hide underneath the covers until your roommate goes away. That way, he/she/it doesn’t have to look at your disgraceful, hideous face. If you’re making out on top of your roommate’s desk…there’s not much I can say that’ll help you in that situation. But hey, at least you have a boyfriend.
Dear Dr. Liu,
I hear that you’re always scrambling for submissions to your advice column. Is this true?
Dear Dr. Liu.
Yes, this is true. People, Y U NO SEND ME YOUR PROBLEMS? They don’t even have to be real. I will even answer them for real if they’re actually legitimate questions. I am disappoint.
<3, Dr. Liu