Doctor Liu

Doctor_LiuDear Doctor Liu,
There are too many dicks on the dance floor.
Love,
Not-a-dick

Dear Dickless,
If there are too many dongs, and too many shlongs, make sure before you go: the dance floor bro-hoe ratio; Five to one is a brodeo! It’s easy to fix, just spread out the dicks! It’s a dance floor…what can you expect, in all honesty?
But in all seriousness –
Tits or GTFO.
(I’m a bad person…)

Dear Doctor Liu,
I have a problem that’s been bothering me for a long time:
When you’re walking down the street and you see a person panhandling, what do you do? Keep walking? Give them change if you have some? It always feels awkward.
Your Friend,
Fishing for money

Dear Ghoti,
Usually when I’m in cities or places when I encounter people panhandling, I’m usually shopping. And because I’m an old fart, I usually purchase things with cash, in which case my pockets are usually happily jingling as I walk. When I see a mendicant in my path, I usually just see if I have any spare change in my pockets – sometimes if I’m in a good mood, I may search for dollar bills as well. So I usually have the money in my hand as I pass by them, in which case I just casually toss the money in their jar/bin/cup/hat and move along. It’s much less awkward when you don’t make much eye contact, because then they may feel like you pity them – which may be true, but no one likes to be pitied. If I don’t have change on me, I never take out my wallet to give them money – it feels unnatural, awkward, and all sorts of bad stuff.

Dear Doctor Liu,
I would like some advice on how to catch porcupines in Parcel B. This endeavor has been giving me trouble for years.
Thanks millions,
Velociraptor

Dear Velociraptor,
I have found the seat cushions of the West Hall lounge chairs to be quite instrumental in my porcupine-acquiring escapades.

Dear Doctor Liu,
What is this white stuff on the ground? It’s kind of squishy and gross, but it’s also kind of pretty. It sure makes it hard to drive my Californian car. What is it, and where does it come from? What do I do with it?
California gurl

Dear Gurl,
When a mommy cloud abstains for extended periods of time, sometimes the daddy cloud just has to, you know, relieve himself. What you do with it is your own prerogative, but I think it’s quite tasty.
Roland